I intend to get homeless drunk
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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