weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
