I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
