Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
