omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
