these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
