what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Randomize
