Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
