Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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