Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
