You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
