I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
