A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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