dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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