This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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