my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i've created a new STD.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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