I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
