I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
