Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
