Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
