Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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