i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Houston, we have a squirter
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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