I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
