I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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