oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
