Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
