He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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