dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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