The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
