I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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