sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
