this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
