Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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