The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize