dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
