The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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