If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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