I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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