Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
