I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
