1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
