So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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