a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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