Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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