is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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