fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
