Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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