Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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