went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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