some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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