I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
