my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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