omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
