I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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